im so frustrated with life. Since school started, nothing has been going right. Family, friends, school... nothing. I don't even know how many times i've cried since school started. School started last month, and i can seriously say i cried over 10 times already in the span of a month. I don't feel like i'm a part of my family.. everything just seems to be my fault. When people say family are the ones who are there for you, and who knows you best.. it really doesn't feel that way. My family doesn't know me at all. I know them so well, but they can't even tell what i like and don't like to eat.. even something as simple as that. It's sad. I can't even turn to my family for help anymore because i don't ever get help from them. All they do is make me feel even worse. It really hurts when all they ever do is talk bad about you, and talk about all the negativities and can't even seem to point out one good thing about you. It truly hurts to know your own family sees you only in a bad way. Sad, but i actually believe that they're better off without me. That the family would be happier if i wasn't born, or if i was dead. Seriously, what is family anymore?

Then friends... thinking maybe they can help me out in some way and be there for me if my family isn't there.. wrong. All my friends have boyfriends now, and it seriously sucks when i can't even talk to them anymore.. or even text them. I never see them in or outside of school.. not even during lunch. They all have their own busy lives with their boyfriends now to even bother with me. I feel myself distancing from all my friends.. whether they may be from school or not. Everyone always just seems to find someone better in their life. I've been replaced one too many times that i shouldn't even care anymore, but each time it just seems to hurt more and more. Stop caring about other people viv.. they're better off without you.

School just sucks.. hate my classes, and the people in them, and some of my teachers. Religion class is just stupid. Hate the teacher & the class.. i don't even learn about God, and it's just a pointless class overall. If this class wasn't mandatory to graduate, i would've already dropped out. Math is just confusing, and i want to drop it, but i can't. Im stressing over my marks, and university applications, and my portfolio and everything related to school. I just really want to graduate already and move on in my life. I don't even know if i wanna go to school in toronto anymore.. I wanna move far away, live on rez, be far from my family. I want to go to thunderbay just cause it's super far from home.I can't stand being anywhere near here anymore.

Sad thing with all this, is that I can't even feel God's presence around me anymore.. I feel like He left me just like this. I know He's here, but i can't feel Him. I feel like He abandoned me with everyone else. I really feel myself being distanced from Him, and of all people, i don't want to feel that. I want to know that He's here when no one else is, but that's not happening currently. God, let me feel Your presence, let me hear You, let me just receive any sign from You that You're here with me. I'm so lonely and feel so abandoned by everyone this past month. I'm so tired with everything, with life.