i had this total random depression mood last night right before i went to bed. I felt like i was gonna breakdown. Now that i look back, i kinda laugh to myself. I'm pretty dumb. This isn't the first time it's happened. I think about all these negative stuff, and i continue to think and think and think until my thoughts makes me explode. I think of the most dumbest things possible to make myself upset. I don't know why i do that. I understand i have really horrible trust issues, and i'm really insecure about alot of things.. but i think i'm going overboard with making myself upset. It's not intentional though. I get negative thoughts because of what i notice from the people around me and the way they act and stuff.. i consume it all up, and let it kill me on the inside. I get thoughts that people don't care about me, that i did something wrong, they don't want me in their life anymore.. i'm getting replaced.. and it hurts. Because all this happened to me in the past and even after all these years, it still haunts me and i cant seem to let go. It's time for me to let go, time for me to start trusting people again. No matter how much i tell myself this though, i still can't do it. I can't start conversations with people anymore because i closed myself up from people. I just like to tell people i'm socially awkward/ shy but truly i close myself up so that i won't get hurt. Somehow, i need people to approach me FIRST, to start the conversation first, so that i know they actually do want to get to know me, that they do want to talk to me. But even when people do that, i still am not able to hold a conversation. I think this is gonna be stuck with me until forever.