So VBS took place last week, and it was my first time volunteering at VBS. Every single one of us volunteers were so unprepared for VBS this year. Captains, REC, Worship, and even the SMU schedule. I didn't think it would be possible for VBS to happen, or for it to even be good at all. I was so angry at the fact that none of us were ready for VBS in terms of the responsibilities we had to do for VBS, but we've learned so many lessons during our preparations for VBS, and during VBS week.

Looking back, i do regret the lack of preparations, and doing everything last minute.. but i'm really thankful and blessed to have been able to serve alongside my brothers and sisters for VBS. We've been through alot with one another.. we've gotten into fights, tears were shed, and we all dealt with alot of stress. The theme to this year's VBS was about serving, and we learned just as much about serving as the kids who we were teaching it too. God also taught us volunteers so many other things. One thing that I came to realize from God was that we ourselves are so weak. We can't do anything without God. If we don't rely on Him for strength, and don't ask Him for help through prayer, nothing will work out because our plans always fail but God's plans never fail. God really showed us that not only do we need to rely on Him for help, but also on each other. If there is something that we can't do ourselves, we need to let go of our pride and thinking that we can do it on our own, and ask our brothers and sisters for help. God has placed people in our lives so that we don't have to go through things alone, but rather we have shoulders to lean on, and carry our burdens together. Although we were very unprepared, God showed us that He has everything in control and all we need to do is lift it all up to Him. I'm not saying that it's okay to be unprepared and leave everything to God, but we were all so worried if something went wrong, or if a mistake was made.. but it really doesn't matter if mistakes were made in worship, or the message, or the games, or cheer.. because there will always bound to be mistakes.. because that's how we improve for next year.. but rather hoping that the kids are focusing on God and growing closer to him instead of looking at the mistakes. God is only using us as His tools to reach out to the kids.. we should be invisible when we serve so that all people can see is God and not us. Although the weeks leading up to VBS and even during VBS was difficult and stressful, it was really rewarding when we saw the older kids who are "too cool" to do worship and dance, to get out of their comfort zone and sing and dance for God. And even having the grade 5 and 6 class offer to serve us volunteers instead through cleaning up after lunch. It's those little things that matter the most, seeing just how much God has touched their hearts that they want to do something in return.. and even in the kindergartens when they cried during the calling on the last day. It doesn't matter how young you are, because God can use you to touch other people's heart.. and in this case, the kindergartens understood and felt God, and it touched us older ones, when we saw them cry. It was a very humbling experience to be able to serve God and His children at VBS this year and being able to bond with the other volunteers as well. Definitely an experience I won't forget.

Blogging about this, because i want to remember every second of it forever.

So on Saturday night, my mom told me she wasn't able to pick me up from church because she had personal reasons, and that she was gonna ask someone to bring me home instead. She told me this at night, and the next morning, and both times she told me this i got mad at her for not being able to pick me up. In the end, it was settled that Matthew was gonna drive me up. But he told me that him and Rebekah will be going out, and so i'm just gonna go wherever they went.. making me feel like a third wheel :( After service ended, I went with the career group, Matthew, Rebekah and sam to eat bun bo hue for lunch. After lunch, Matthew, Rebekah, Easy, Jen, Joseph and I went to costco to buy some groceries because Easy and Jen had invited Matthew Rebekah and i over to their house for dinner. I felt like a total 5th wheel, not knowing who to follow around since Joseph left to do his own thing, and so I would follow either easy and Jen, or Matthew and Rebekah LOL. After we went to costco, Matthew, Rebekah, Joseph and I went to yorkdale for a bit, while Easy and Jen went home to start prepping for dinner. We headed to Easy's house straight after yorkdale. Easy and Jen made seafood linguine and berry fruit punch for us, which was so delicious <3 We had dinner, and then we watched a bit of tv until around 8:30. We then left Easy's house to go to Destiny's because Rebekah said she was craving bubble tea all day. but before we went to Destiny's, we went to shoppers drug mart first because Rebekah said she needed to buy some stuff there. We finally arrived to Destiny's at around 10pm, and when we entered, Rebekah all of a sudden covered my eyes with her hand. I got so confused and was so oblivious as to what was going on! Matthew and Rebekah then guided me to our table and when Rebekah took her hands off my eyes...

BAM! TGAC WAS THERE SITTING AT OUR TABLE.
I had absolutely NO idea that they planned a surprise birthday party for Sam and I. All the career people I saw earlier on in the day, Joyce, Sam, and some of his friends were all there. I just started crying because i was so surprised and touched that they had planned all of this, and for everyone that showed up so late at night! Although it was mostly the career people who made it out, I'm so grateful for everyone at TGAC who helped with organizing this! Especially Esther Tang who initiated all of this, texted Matthew, got my mom's number and made a plan to get me away from going home with my mom. This surprise party was so unlike her to plan, but i'm so grateful to her for doing this! <3 So blessed to have been able to bond and become closer with her this year especially because of TC. So throughout the night, we just ordered drinks, talked, and played Mafia which was absolutely hilarious. And then at 12am, The server at Destiny's brought out a cake for Sam and I. It was bought by Jen and Easy and it was an oreo ice cream cake from DQ. They sang happy birthday to us, and even the tables that were sitting near us was singing :) We then blew out the candle together since there was only 1 candle, and made the first cut in the cake together :) The cake was so yummy even though it was all melted. The funny thing was that when we were at Jen & Easy's house for dinner, Matthew pointed out their big freezer and had wanted ice in his fruit punch.. and when Jen went into the freezer, she opened the freezer really small to get the ice out. Apparently the cake we had was in that freezer HAHAHA. They're so cute. They went through all that trouble to buy us a cake and everything! We ended up leaving Destiny's at around 12:45ish, and i arrived home at 1:30. The entire day was planned out for me, including going to shoppers drug mart for a bit so that Jen and Easy could arrive to Destiny's before me LOOOOL.

My church family is absolutely the cutest and sweetest! I honestly don't know what I did to deserve all of them or any of this surprise. So thankful and grateful to each and every one of them. Those who came out, and those who couldn't. They all hid it away from me so well even knowing for more than a week and even getting my mom involved into this! Totally blessed to have a family like them whom i can always laugh with, talk with, and turn to. These people are absolutely the best, and I'm so thankful for God to bless someone like me with wonderful people like them. <3

It's really cool hearing someone have a prayer request, and then later on they update you telling you that God has answered their prayers. It goes to show prayer is powerful, God listens to our prayers and answers them, but what's the coolest is God's timing. His timing is perfect

It's been awhile since i've blogged and I'm hoping that in the future when I read this post again, I'll be able to see how i struggled, and how God has helped me get through this.

It's been around 2 months since I started to feel empty and spiritually dead. Usually after a conference like TC, everyone is on a spiritual high, worshipping Him, praising Him, doing devotions everyday, praying.. but for me this year.. i've felt the complete opposite. I didn't have a spiritual high like how i always did. I saw so many great things happen at TC, and saw and felt God truly there through what has happened during the 4 days.. but when I came home after being at TC for 4 days.. I felt like nothing changed, and I'm living my everyday normal life again. Ever since after TC, I haven't felt God's presence with me. I've slacked on my prayers so much, and I even stopped doing devotions. I've even started listening to just secular music when I use to only listen to worship songs. It's been almost 2 months since I started feeling this way and I feel as though it's because my school life is so easy right now. I never have homework because my only class is art, & I have coop. I never know what to pray about anymore because nothing ever happens. It's honestly so bad because I shouldn't only be praying when something bad happens. I shouldn't be turning to God only in those times. I hate feeling like I don't need God, and that i'm fine on my own because i'm not. I feel empty and I feel lost.
My prayer life is just horrible now. Before, I wouldn't be able to sleep if I haven't prayed, but nowadays, I just fall asleep without praying. I push prayer aside and put sleep first. Some days when i do pray though, I don't even sit up on my bed properly to pray.. I just lie down on my pillow in sleeping position and pray.. but i don't even finish my prayer because i would end up falling asleep.. or even if i do sit up on my bed to pray, my mind would be running around and I would be so distracted that I would forget what I'm praying about. I'm becoming so lazy in my prayer life and I hate it. I want to talk to God but i know Satan is tempting me through sleep, and I keep falling for it every single time. I'm so weak without God. i need Him.

But this week, I'm really starting to feel God again and hearing Him speak to me. I've gotten people telling to go to Campus Challenge this year, and though in the end it didn't work out.. I was really grateful to them for encouraging me to go, and helping me think of solutions to get me to peterbrough, and with financial issues. I really felt God speaking to me through them because at first I was interested in going, but brushed it off. And i felt God saying to me "Go to Campus Challenge, and hear Me speak. It's what you need." Again, although it didn't work out, it was the first time in about 2 months where I heard God speak. Being so confused with whether or not I should go to Campus Challenge, I turned to my co-caps for prayer and told them about my struggle. They were the only people I told that I've been in a spiritual low for so long, and I'm grateful I am able to turn to them and ask for prayer.Their encouragements and prayers has helped me in a small way. I again started to feel God. What's funny is that before I said I had no stress with my life which led be to become distant with God. But all of a sudden this week, so many things popped up. Having to organize B.I.G fellowship, making preparations for coffee house, making posters for Mike, making posters for coffee house, and having a career fair assignment to do.. things just got hectic and I couldn't do it alone. That was when I actually sat up on my bed, and spent time in prayer. God answered my prayers with coffee house preparations, giving me inspiration to finish posters, finalizing B.I.G fellowship, and all i have left to do is finish my career fair assignment. It really brought me back to how God never leaves us even when we leave Him. He continuously listens to us, answers our prayers and helps us in our times of need. And then this past Sunday, while doing worship during service, one of the songs we sang was "Hungry" and the lyrics just hit me.

Hungry, I come to You for I know You satisfy
I am empty, but I know Your love does not run dry
And so I wait for You so I wait for You

I’m falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus, You’re all this heart is living for

Broken,I run to You for Your arms are open wide
I am weary, but I know Your touch restores my life
And so I wait for You, so I wait for You"

As a human, I'm gonna feel empty, and broken, and weary. But when I am feeling these things, God can heal me from these things. All i need to do is turn to Him and rely on Him for strength. It's amazing to know that no matter how far we turn from Him, He will always bring us back to Him because we are His. We are His children, His sheep and He will search for us until we are found and bring us home into His loving arms, embracing us. And I feel that what God has been doing to me this week. Bringing me back to Him through using others to speak to me, through prayer, and through worship.

Father God,
I've been so distant from You for so long now. I haven't been able to feel Your presence with me, and thinking that You're not here, I slacked in prayer and devo. I'm sorry for falling into temptation of sleep. I know that I am weak without You, and that I need You. Father, help me to turn to You when I feel empty, lost, broken, or weary. Because i know that I will be filled up, found, and healed by You. Thank You for revealing Yourself to me in so many different ways, and never giving up on me when I have given up on You. Thank You Lord for bringing me home back into Your loving arms, and embracing me. Father, help me to continue finding You and finding the passion I had for You again. I know I will always encounter spiritual lows, but when i do encounter them, remind me to not continue to allow myself to fall away, but rather to ask You for help that I may get out of this pit. I thank You Father for never leaving me and for always loving me unconditionally even though I don't deserve Your love at all. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Today was such a long day. Had captains training from 2-5 and then TC pre-rally from 7-8:30. During the captains meeting, we first had small group and we shared testimonies. I really do love hearing people's testimonies, and hearing about how God has worked in their life. Each and every one of us has and will always have to go through obstacles, but we're never alone. God is always with us, and He never gives us anything we can't handle. Even before we are faced with an obstacle, God already knows the solution. It's really encouraging to see how much a person has grown, and see just how amazing God really is through these testimonies. Sometimes when we share our testimonies, we tend to forget that this isn't our stories, but it's God's story. God is just using us to speak His story to others. So it's really important to not forget that it has nothing to do with you, but it has everything to do with God.

Last night I was really scared that I would have no one to hang with during the in between time after training until the pre-rally, but again, today God showed me I really don't have anything to worry about. He has everything under control. I'm thankful for the time I got to spend with Kristal and Shannon during the in between! I got to get to know Kristal more, and bond with her, & meeting Shannon who is in my small group, and a fellow captain is amazing :)

Although there weren't many people at the pre-rally, thankful for all those who came out today despite the horrible weather! I know God is going to do amazing things at TC this year. Seeing all the different teams come together as one under God's name, to serve and pray for one another is truly amazing. It really is amazing how people can unite through God. One thing that really spoke to me tonight was during Bryan's testimony. He talked about how he became prideful in making the handbooks last year, forgetting the real purpose as to why he's making them and for whom, and just focusing it on himself. And it really made me realize that I became prideful in doing graphic design for TC. The thought that I was going to design the t-shirts, and everyone would be wearing a t-shirt with my design on it got to the best of me. I forgot the real reason as to why I'm designing, and for whom I'm designing for. So listening to Bryan's testimony was a really good slap in the face for me. I really need to get rid of my pride, because if I forget the true reason for serving, then it's pointless for me to serve, and I don't deserve to serve if I only think about myself. Thinking about it now, this experience is really teaching me how to be humble in all that I do. Especially in serving God, He doesn't need me to serve Him.. He is able to use anyone to serve Him, and I shouldn't take advantage of the opportunity He has blessed me with in being able to serve Him in TC with others, and for others. And so I guess tonight really opened my eyes, and really helped me to refocus and to re-evaluate myself while serving in TC this year.

Nicaragua is less than a week away, and everyday I'm praying that God uses me in Nicaragua for His work. I'm scared, excited, nervous, and basically feeling any kind of emotion right now. It hasn't hit me yet that I'm going to another country soon. I feel like I'm still not prepared physically, emotionally and mentally for it. The one thing that I really want on this trip is to have the opportunity to spread the Gospel. There is a major language barrier between the Nicaraguan people and us, but there is no barrier between anyone when it comes to God's love. Praying and asking God for this, I know He will give this opportunity to me. But will I be able to take that courage and actually proclaim the Gospel? I have no confidence in that. Knowing my personality, I would probably back out of it. I can't even share the Gospel to the people at school, when God has given me the perfect opportunity to do so. Even as simple as someone asking me what I'm listening to, I can't even say "Christian music". I always tell myself, "Please God, not man" and "only God can judge" so why is it that I care so much about what others will say or think of me if I were to tell them about Jesus?

"For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek." - Romans 1:16

A very popular verse in the Bible, and I understand this verse. I say I am not ashamed of the Gospel, but when God puts me to the test, it is so evident that I am. I think instead of praying and asking God to give me the opportunity to spread the Gospel, I should be asking Him to give me the courage to spread it and not be ashamed of it. Not even with just spreading the Gospel, but praying before every meal, and doing my devos there.. that I will not be scared to do any of those things.

And when i come back from Nicaragua and read this post, I hope that I have done what I have typed out.. and that God will be proud of me. After all, this trip is about stepping outside our comfort zone, and spreading the Gospel is definitely out of my comfort zone and so I hope I can spread the Gospel to the people there.

From the summer until now, God has really been showing me the power of prayer. From answering my prayers to give me opportunities to serve Him, to answering my prayers about my worries for TC, and to just school in general.

Last week, I was overwhelmed with stress from receiving cpts from all my classes all at once, and i knew with the amount of assignments i had to do, this week was going to be crazy hectic as well. Having an exam, test and 2 projects due in one day, and having another cpt and another test on another day.. I was afraid. Yet, God reminds me I don't need to be afraid. In everything, He has everything in control. Things may not be how i want it to be, but God's plan is the perfect plan and His timing is perfect. Praying and asking God to help me get through this hectic and stressful week, God truly helped lessen my stress. My religion cpt is now on Wednesday, my religion exam is now moved to next Wednesday.. my college application and interview problems got solved.. God really lifted a huge rock off my shoulder. God truly hears all our prayers, all our thoughts and He answers them. Time and time again, God demonstrates His power through answering our prayer requests, and I become so amazed by it. God truly cares for us, and He is really here with us just as He said He is. There is no one who can compare to God. He is the most loving, and caring and perfect Father who loves us so much. And I thank You for Your love even though we are so undeserving of it.

Gonna start using my blog again, but this time I'm gonna post about what God is teaching me in my everyday life. All the struggles I may be facing, i lift them all up to God.

So God, i ask that You may just teach me, and use me for Your works in this world.

im so frustrated with life. Since school started, nothing has been going right. Family, friends, school... nothing. I don't even know how many times i've cried since school started. School started last month, and i can seriously say i cried over 10 times already in the span of a month. I don't feel like i'm a part of my family.. everything just seems to be my fault. When people say family are the ones who are there for you, and who knows you best.. it really doesn't feel that way. My family doesn't know me at all. I know them so well, but they can't even tell what i like and don't like to eat.. even something as simple as that. It's sad. I can't even turn to my family for help anymore because i don't ever get help from them. All they do is make me feel even worse. It really hurts when all they ever do is talk bad about you, and talk about all the negativities and can't even seem to point out one good thing about you. It truly hurts to know your own family sees you only in a bad way. Sad, but i actually believe that they're better off without me. That the family would be happier if i wasn't born, or if i was dead. Seriously, what is family anymore?

Then friends... thinking maybe they can help me out in some way and be there for me if my family isn't there.. wrong. All my friends have boyfriends now, and it seriously sucks when i can't even talk to them anymore.. or even text them. I never see them in or outside of school.. not even during lunch. They all have their own busy lives with their boyfriends now to even bother with me. I feel myself distancing from all my friends.. whether they may be from school or not. Everyone always just seems to find someone better in their life. I've been replaced one too many times that i shouldn't even care anymore, but each time it just seems to hurt more and more. Stop caring about other people viv.. they're better off without you.

School just sucks.. hate my classes, and the people in them, and some of my teachers. Religion class is just stupid. Hate the teacher & the class.. i don't even learn about God, and it's just a pointless class overall. If this class wasn't mandatory to graduate, i would've already dropped out. Math is just confusing, and i want to drop it, but i can't. Im stressing over my marks, and university applications, and my portfolio and everything related to school. I just really want to graduate already and move on in my life. I don't even know if i wanna go to school in toronto anymore.. I wanna move far away, live on rez, be far from my family. I want to go to thunderbay just cause it's super far from home.I can't stand being anywhere near here anymore.

Sad thing with all this, is that I can't even feel God's presence around me anymore.. I feel like He left me just like this. I know He's here, but i can't feel Him. I feel like He abandoned me with everyone else. I really feel myself being distanced from Him, and of all people, i don't want to feel that. I want to know that He's here when no one else is, but that's not happening currently. God, let me feel Your presence, let me hear You, let me just receive any sign from You that You're here with me. I'm so lonely and feel so abandoned by everyone this past month. I'm so tired with everything, with life.

Dear Gene,
I know you'll be able to read this blog post i wrote to you while you're up there. It's such a blessing to not only know that you went to Aquinas, but also having 3 classes with you, and actually being able to talk to you. Gene, thank you for the time when you randomly popped in to graphics class, and saw me struggling. You saw me struggle and automatically helped me out. That was the first time i actually ever even talked to you. I remember seeing you in the hallways while walking to my next classes, and i would turn my head slightly and see you smile at me. On the days where i was upset, seeing your smile in the hallway brightened my day even by just a bit. Even now, your smiling face is in my head. Turning around in photography and religion class, and seeing an empty desk behind me just isn't the same. I still imagine you sitting there smiling.And in graphics class, sitting beside you on the computers, i hear you say the funniest things i just can't help but laugh.
Gene, you are truly a blessing in everyone's life, and definitely a gift from God. You touched not only the people that knew you's life, but also those who only knew about you. Everyone that knows you never once had anything bad to say about you. You truly did brighten up 20 rooms in one go. You always had a positive attitude towards everything, hard working in school and football, caring, genuine, kind hearted.. the list could go on. You were truly amazing Gene, and i'm just so honoured to say that i went to school with you & had known you. You really did have an impact on each and every one of our lives.
While you are up there playing football and chilling with Jesus, continue to always smile & shine it down on us. You may be physically gone now, but you're in our hearts forever, & one day we'll be reunited in Heaven chilling with Jesus together. Know that the Aquinas fam is there for your family, supporting them every step of the way especially Keith. Love you Gene, <3 Rest in peace, never forgotten.

09/10/2012

I literally feel like crap right now. Somehow I always get yelled at for doing something wrong, and it feels like i just can't do anything right. No matter what it is i do, or who i do it for, i'm always the one at fault.

No one will ever appreciate what i do, and i guess i'll just continue feeling miserable and crappy about myself. Whatever.

no matter who may be in my life, and how close they are to me.. there will never be someone who I can truly turn and talk to about my problems every time. I will forever just bottle up everything inside of myself, and cry to myself to make me feel better.

People make fun of me for still using blogspot, but they don't know why I use it... it's because this is the only place where I can express my thoughts since no one would bother listening to me.

i hate how people tease me about this guy, and i just keep on falling for him more and more. Today, all that was in my head was him. it is sooooo ridiculous. like, get out of there. ugh, i dont know how my feelings all of a sudden became like this.. usually i can just control myself.. but i kept telling myself to stop thinking about him and whatnot.. totally couldn't control that. Seeing him more & more, talking, and having little jokes with each other doesn't help me either. I dont know why i like the guys that i know will never ever like me back.. i can't lie doe, i do like it when he makes those little jokes to me about taking me to prom and having little dates and stuff. but then, i get brought back to reality when i hear his friends talking about his ex and all these other girls and stuff. sigh, i dont even know. i just want to get rid of my feelings for him. I know after June, that will be the last of me talking to him ever again in my life...

Alex Thao - Lead You Home
Everyday you find your self stuck out in the rain
Nothing ever seems to go, the way that it should go
And now it's got you looking into the sky
You're shaking your head, but that don't change a thing
You wish God was everything he promised you

But, take a step back and think for a while now,
God is in control, so why are you fighting

You'll see His love for you is like the countless stars
Never ending, always sure his love will take you far
God is much bigger than the things you make him out to be
You'll see, God is everything you need to lead you home

You say you've got it all figured out, got it down, you're going for the crown
But things go wrong and you feel like your whole worlds upside down
Maybe it's time you lose the thought of doing things for yourself
Take a turn for the better and lose your life just to find it

When it feels like no one cares about you
Just know that God is always there to hold you

It's been awhile since i listened to Alex Thao, and i love his music. & im so happy to have listened to this song that he wrote. The lyrics to this song is really inspiring. It's a song that reflects me, and a reminder to me. It's true, we only tend to search for God when something doesn't go our way. Only in the bad times we pray to God and ask Him for help. We really really need to engrave into our hearts that God leads the way. He has a plan for each and every one of us. God's love is everlasting. Nothing can ever take away the love He has for us. And that God will never ever ever abandon us, in the good or rough times. God is good all the time!

The feeling of feeling forgotten.. by people who "supposedly" care about you. It hurts when they forget about you, yet you never once forgotten about them. It kinda really shows just how much they "care" about you, if they can't even remember you. It's these things that get to me most.. it makes me think why i put in so much effort in trying to remember things about people when they can't even remember me.
In the end, i'm just someone who isn't important to anyone at all. I need to get that in my head and get use to that fact.

Yesterday was Good Friday, and i attended the Good Friday Youth Rally at Unionville Alliance Church with my church, TGAC. The theme of yesterday's youth rally was "Raising Hope". I'm glad i went to the youth rally, and that "Raising Hope" was the theme of the night. I really needed this. It allowed me to remember that in my situations, i may feel hopeless, but all i need to remember is that Jesus is with me. That, because He died on the cross for us, we have hope. The cross was once a symbol for hopelessness, because people got crucified on it.. but for us, when we look at the cross, we remember that we have hope. Jesus sacrificed Himself for us, and He has been through worse things than we will ever have to experience. So, we shouldn't even begin to complain about our problems. And when we feel like God abandoned us in our time of need, we should remember that Jesus felt the same way when he cried out on that cross, "My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?" Jesus identifies with us that he once went through what we are going or gonna go through. That He too felt God abandon Him when He was on that cross. But of course, we need to know that God never ever leaves us. That He is always by our side watching over us no matter what. God has a plan, He has a way. Last night was really such a beautiful reminder for me. With Him, nothing is impossible.

In my whole entire life, i never experienced being appreciated. No matter what i do for someone, they will always forget the deed I do. But what people do remember of me, are the bad things about me. I just want someone, a family, friend, whoever to appreciate the things I do for them. I never ever get appreciated by anyone. All i ever get, are people backstabbing and betraying me. I'm tired of all this. There is absolutely no one in this world who feels the pain i feel. No one will ever understand what i went through, and what i'm going through. I'm falling back into my dark past, and right now, i'm not convinced that this world is good for me. I want to leave this earth.. cause maybe that's the only way for people to actually realize what i'm going through.

I just researched OCAD's admission requirements for uni, and honestly, all their requirements.. im not even scared of. I know that with my marks, i'm able to get into the university.. except only one thing is holding me back. The portfolio part. Everyone knows i can't draw to save my life. And the fact that i have to make a portfolio as a requirement to get into my first choice university is KILLING me. It's the only thing i'm scared of. My portfolio. Everything else i'm fine with, just not the portfolio. I have no creativity when it comes to drawing. I can't draw at all. I'm just not gonna get into university and die. The end.

i just want that ONE friend who i can just go to and tell them a secret/rant, and know that whatever i say to them is safe with them, and that i don't have to be afraid of them spreading it. If i had that one friend.. i wouldn't be here right now typing this.

The term "best friend" is officially gone. No more of "she's my best friend" or "they're my best friends" thing. Because no one is a BEST friend. They all seem to leave one way or another. And best friends don't leave each other. So goodbye "best friends". Everyone now is just considered as "friends"